Why at 4, your son says \"I love you\", but at 8, he can't? And What To Do About It.

The Invisible Programming.

Answer this: If our goal is to raise resourceful boys with unique strengths, why do we use a template to make them all the same? That is the central paradox of modern parenting: we value individuality, yet we run on a rigid, unexamined

Inherited Script, passed down for generations, giving us a cartoonish idea of a man that teaches our sons to reject most of their emotions as weakness. As a father and a psychiatrist, I can tell you that what a boy loses in this process is far more valuable than what he gains.

In this week's video we examine How Distorted Musculinity Makes it Toxic and why Jamie went into a Rage in Netflix Adolescence 

(he felt psychologically castrated)

Below is more on one point mentioned briefly in the video.

The Study That Should Start a Revolution

By age eight, boys express 75% fewer emotions than they did at four. This isn't biological; it's a social shift, and we are its unwitting architects. This emotional drop happens as boys learn to follow the "Boy Code", a set of rules that dictates which emotions are acceptable. As they enter the schools their templates talk to each to eath other reenforcing itself.

Dr. Judy Chu from Standford University followed 36 boys from age 4 through elementary school. She literally watched them shut down in real-time.

Jake, age 4: "I love Rob. He's my best friend. When he's sad, I'm sad."

Jake, age 6: "I don't like nobody. I just like myself."

When Chu asked why the change, Jake whispered: "If I say I like them, they'll say I'm weird."

By age 8, Jake couldn't name a single feeling beyond "good" or "bad."

This wasn't one boy. This was every boy in the study. Every. Single. One.

Where do the emotions go? They get buried. The boy who can't say he's sad might learn to punch a wall instead. His feelings don't disappear; they just get converted into something more "manly" like anger. And this unexpressed emotion can manifest as unexplained headaches or stomachaches. He's learning to live with what may be called "emotional constipation".

Where Do 75% of His Emotions Go?

Into his body as:

• Physical restlessness and impulsivity

• Mysterious stomach aches

• Rage that seems to come from nowhere

• Compulsive gaming to numb

• Sleep that won't come

From Reddit r/Parenting:

"Therapist said my son's 'ADHD' was actually emotional constipation. He was literally vibrating with unexpressed feelings. Started emotional check-ins. 'ADHD' disappeared in 6 months." - u/misdiagnosed_mom

A Message of Hope.

It's a wake-up call. We are all just repeating what we learned from our own parents, who were doing the best they could. But now you can choose differently. In the previous week newsletter I shared how we can start examining our unconcious templates, so we make deliberate, conscious chooices.

The window between ages 4 and 8 is critical. The work is harder with teenagers and young men, but it is absolutely possible. 

Tonight, Do This:

Your son is at a pivotal point in his life. Whether he's 6 or 16, the questions you ask and the emotional space you create can change everything.

Daily 5-minute emotional check-ins prevent the drop entirely 

(Gottman Institute, 20-year study)

Boys whose parents did this maintained full emotional expression through adolescence.

The protocol (5 minutes, every night) talk about:

"What feelings did you have today?"

"Where did you feel them in your body?"

"What did those feelings want you to know?"

No fixing. No minimizing. Just witnessing.

This is about creating a safe space for his emotions, no matter how big or small they are. It’s about teaching him that his feelings are valid and that expressing them doesn’t make him weak. The strongest people aren't the ones who feel the least; they are the ones who can navigate their feelings skillfully.

Sometimes what we wan to say and what our sons hear is very different. 

We examined 7 Phrases that, although well intended, are causing damage. Read heartfelt real examples:

Download 12 pages document here:

 "The Parent's Guide To How to Raise Emotionally Intelligent Boys. 

7 Phrases That Program Your Sons(And What to Say Instead)

Watch the full YouTube video:

YouTube: What is Toxic Masculinity REALLY? The Truth Parents Need to Know

Dr. Ruben Gagarin | Breaking the cycle, one conversation at a time.

P.S. Please, if you found this helpful, forward it to another parent raising a boy. The window to make a difference is open. The hope you provide can change their future, and the work you do with your own son, no matter his age, can change yours.